im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
