i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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