This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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