I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
