where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
