I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
