There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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