Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize