he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
