Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
