Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
