when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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