Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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