You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
