I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize