dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
