the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm at about main and main street
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
