Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I believe in your delicious
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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