i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
