So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
