Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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