i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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