I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
