it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
