btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
