I could have mohawked her pubes.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
People with herpes should wear stickers.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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