I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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