Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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