super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
