just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
