just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
