i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
