Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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