I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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