When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
