dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
