i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
