hotel room ftw
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
