what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
