My liver just broke up with me...
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
