he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
