it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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