these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
