I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
