You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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