How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize