i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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