Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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