U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
