I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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