I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
