i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
