I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
