my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
