Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
